What Do I want?
I’ve been staring at my laptop for 15 minutes. trying to put to words everything that has been inside my head. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT? It is a hard question that took me years before I can finally answer.
Am I sure with my decision?
Am I ready to face the challenges attached to it?
Am I okay to be sad? to feel alone?
Answering one question brings more questions that is even harder to answer. Questions that makes me afraid, that stops me and wants me to just do not make decision anymore and go back to what used to be. to not to feel the pressure of making a decision.
because once decided. THERE IS NO TURNING BACK
BUT I KNOW I CAN’T
I cannot go back to the years of doubt. I cannot step back to those times that I am full of fear and delusions of the secrets to be unveil. I don’t wanna go back to the nights full of crying, full of condemnation, of faking me being okay with everything.
of being empty.
This is the make or break. the turning point. the now or never
I asked my self again “What do you want Axelle?”
As I close my eyes, tears starts to build up and fall. what do I really want? What does this fragile heart begs to have?
and I know the answer. from the very start I knew the answer. it has been banging in my mind, whispering in my ear and knocking at my heart. I knew what I really want. and that is to be happy. true happiness not because of a comedy film, or a funny situation,
a happiness even in pain, even in chaos or in a storm.
true happiness that pushes me to move forward, drags me to dream big, aim high and fly. A happiness that will be my driving force to live, to truly live and not just to exist.
I knew from the very start. that true happiness can only be found in Christ. and I was so wrong to look for it on earthly things. I was very wrong to chase things that I know not meant for now, not today. I knew what I wanted. Happiness in Christ.
I WANTED CHRIST. above all my heart’s desire is Him. to Glorify Him. To make Jesus smile. I wanted to be where Christ is, be it in the midst of a furnance of blazing fire, or above the wild waves of the ocean. I.DON’T.CARE.
Because I knew that wherever Christ is, there is TRUE happiness.
that Yes I am sure of my decision to follow Him. not to just follow but to read and pray and meditate His words.
that yes I am ready to face challenges attached to it because I know that following Christ means not conforming to the pattern of this world.
And YES. It is definitely okay for me to be sad, or to be alone because I know that I should prioritize him above all, and that as I build a strong foundation of faith and relationship with Him, I should keep my heart focused on Christ alone and not with any other guy.
I know what I wanted. from the very start I knew but coward to take the risk for Him.
HOW ABOUT YOU?